Hashems will...My way??

 

Before you can find God, you must lose yourself.

-Baal Shem Tov-

 

Ok, Somthing is not right here. I tried to talk to my wife today about moving to Israel and converting, I really succeeded in nothing but causing another big argument. This all happend right before I went to work and she had left her phone at her grandmothers when visiting her yesterday. So today I had no way to contact her all day. I hate arguing before I go to work, and specially when there is no way to contact her the whole day.

However this really worked out good for me, because it caused me to think more about it. You see my life feels like it is falling apart latley! Not only has everything on the planet seemed to go wrong, but the arguing with my wife has escalated, over this Israel and conversion thing. It just doesnt seem fair to be honest with you. I want to convert soooo bad. Hashem owns my heart! But here I am acting like a total jerk. I know Hashem wants me to convert! I know it! And there is really no question! I want to move to Israel very very despertaly! But here is the thing...

What is Hashem and what is me? The truth is... we lie to ourselves all the time... We or I should say I maybe, force myself to believe and act a certain way even though we know it is contrary to how we should believe or act, or to what Hashem wants! I know Hashem wants me to convert! I Know I need to move to Israel! But is this how I am suppose to act? Is this how he wants it to happen?

Maybe I am going about this all the wrong way! You see I dont have to where my tzitzit out and kippah if it bothers my wife! I can tuck them in, and put on a hat! I don't have to be so vocal about my beliefs all the time, I can try to celebrate the holidays without being so forceful on everyone around me (although my kids love it) I can be with Hashem in the presence of a crowd and not half to say a word.

I don't half to fight and argue about Israel! None of this will change her mind.

I still feel I need to go about my way to Israel, and convert... But just maybe instead of taking Hashems will and doing it my way... I should listen to His voice and try it His way..

 

Just a thought.

 

Ps. My wife is a very good person whom I love very much! I only bring this up to show my actions were wrong. And maybe someone else who is going through something similuar can learn from my mistakes..

 

Ps.s. Also this applies to all areas. Are we taking Hashems will and trying to do it our own way? Our we lying to ourselves and shutting out the voice of G-d... Or are we listening? I think if we listen...really listen...there we will find His peace.

P.S.S.S  Oh yeah, just want to get this straight, I am still wanting to go to Israel ASAP and convert! The goal hasn't changed, just maybe I should try to listen to Hashem and correct my methods. Being kinder and bringing more peace into the home.

 

Yaakov