I first started writing this blog in hopes of expressing the ups and downs, the back and fourth..., the on and off of one wanting to convert to Judaism. To bring whats on the inside outside. For others who are expierencing the same thing as well as for support and to simply express myself. But now I am in a place, where I don't want to dissapoint those who have supported me or been pleased with me, or to ruin friendships which I have formed...This very Much reminds me of, my past expierences working in the xan churches. People just wanted to keep the church or "tythe givers happy". At any cost! Even with-holding the truth! I very much was disturbed by this thinking and in a sense I find myself doing the very same thing. Of course money is not invovled here, but things much more preacious. To put oneself out there, can be very hard. People are so quick to judge one another, and so one really never knows what others reactions maybe. But....
"Truth is often gray, and deceit is full of splendor."
-Heschel, Abraham Joshua A Passion for Truth -
"Truth is not a feeling, a mere thought. Truth confronts us as a behest, an insistent summons, austere, uncompromising. Are we able to respond to it in the recesses of our souls?"
-Heschel, Abraham Joshua A Passion for Truth -
"To live without deception presupposes standards beyond the reach of most people, whose existence is largely shaped by compromise, evasion, and mutual accommodation. Could they face their weakness, their vanity and selfishness, without a mask" (AJH). And so hear I will attempt to do just that.
I am very confused... I have sought so very long and hard... I have wasted the last 10 years of my life in search for Hashem... The Torah says seek and you will find.. But I am seeking... I have sought.. with all of my life.. at the expense of my family..., I have spared nothing.
After Years of searching, I believed I have found what I was looking for.. But inside I am not so sure it fits... So what is it that I am looking for to fit? I dunno? Somthing just isn't right? Does G-d really care if we say the right blessings at the right time? Does he really care weather we grow out our beards? Is it possible to really subscribe ourselves to believe things of that which we do not believe? "When a man has so far corrupted and prostituted the chastity of his mind, as to subscribe his professional belief to things he does not believe, he has prepared himself for the commission of every other crime."(Thomas Paine). I honestly think we think we believe these dogmas that our spoon fed to us... but alot of times when we really ask ourselves do I really believe this, or that? We find the answer is no! But we force ourselves to believe things we really do not believe... Does he really want us to repeat prayers daily that others wrote that don't even pour from our hearts? Can we really not eat meat and cheese together? Or drive a car saturday? Can I really not be a Jew because my wife and kids don't want too? Why all this time I call out and hear nothing in reply?
GOD ARE YOU THERE?
Do not be misled my friends... I am NOT denying the faith! Only struggling! Only seeking the truth? As these pics I have used above show, I am deeply troubled and my soul is in deep anguish... GOD IF YOU ARE THERE, THEN WHY WILL YOU NOT HELP ME? WHY NOT TELL ME ANYTHING? ANSWER ME!!?? I AM SEEKING YOU? HELP!
Please watch this video at the link below..
All around me are familiar facesWorn out places, worn out facesBright and early for the daily racesGoing nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glassesNo expression, no expressionHide my head I wanna drown my sorrowNo tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sadThe dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever hadI find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to takeWhen people run in circles its a very, veryMad world, mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel goodHappy birthday, happy birthdayAnd I feel the way that every child shouldSit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervousNo one knew me, no one knew meHello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sadThe dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever hadI find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to takeWhen people run in circles its a very, veryMad world, mad world, enlarging your worldMad world
Read more: GARY JULES - MAD WORLD LYRICS
Their tears are filling up their glassesNo expression, no expressionHide my head I wanna drown my sorrowNo tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sadThe dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever hadI find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to takeWhen people run in circles its a very, veryMad world, mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel goodHappy birthday, happy birthdayAnd I feel the way that every child shouldSit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervousNo one knew me, no one knew meHello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sadThe dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever hadI find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to takeWhen people run in circles its a very, veryMad world, mad world, enlarging your worldMad world
Read more: GARY JULES - MAD WORLD LYRICS
Your very Honestly
Yaakov
ps. to all of you who have supported me, please don't give up on me or take offense to anything said, If I offended anyone I am so sorry. Not my intention. I just want Hashem! I am seeking no ones truth, ONLY HIS!
Hey Yaakov,
ReplyDeleteYour questions are not uncommon. I grew up religious and asked these questions, which caused me to be an atheist for 8 years.
The truth is that there is no real answer to these questions. Everything depends on faith, as Rebbe Nachman says many times.
Does God really care if we eat milk and meat, or drive on saturday, or pray 3 times a day? Of course He does, if he didn't he wouldn't have given us a Torah. Everything God instructed us to do has deep meaning beyond our understanding. We do it all because we have faith in God, and in His Torah, and in all the words of our Holy Rabbis or Blessed Memory. And most of all because Rebbe Nachman told us to follow halacha. Rabeinu said when people start relying on their own ideas instead of having simple faith, thats when they run into trouble. Baruch Hashem that he gave us a straightforward path of simple faith, joy and love of God and His commandments.
And as for you feeling like you are praying and praying and seeing nothing, Rebbe Nachman says that sometimes a person prays and prays, for day, weeks, even years, and it seems like God us just ignoring them, but this is not true, because every prayer is making a mark on high, and sometimes it takes a long time, but no prayer goes unanswered and G-d listens to everything. (see lesson 2 in Likutei Moharan).
Its ok to run into these doubts and questions. Just don't let it overcome you. There are a lot of people in this world who push people into these doubts and questions. Rabeinu says this is the main test of our generation... who will stick with simple faith and who will not. Keep saying Na Nach and be happy. Na Nach.
Thanks. You are right... as a matter of fact these questions very much started sending or I should say trying to send me in that direction... I really appreciate everything you said here. I actually after reading your response remember Rebbeniu saying these things. Only faith! God have mercy and strengthen me! Thanks for everything. NA NACH NACHMA NACHMAN MEUMAN!
ReplyDeleteI like what Moshiach Oi said. I double that. Yes G-d does care that we do these things.Just like a father is pleased with his children when they listen to their father. His pleasure is not so much in how they understand him, nor even how well they do, rather how hard they try to please him. If the child wants to please the father, surely a good father will help the child in the task. remember, as hard as it might seem in the moment. the truth is that time does not really exsist at all. You will be a different person and in a different situation in no time.
ReplyDeleteremember that desire for good is itself very good. a little is also good.
ReplyDelete