I got desperate awhile back...You know just wanting to be a Jew soooo bad..., although I knew better, I thought maybe if I convert Conservative, I can practice the laws Orthodox, and just be Conservative in my conversion, Knowing it would not be excepted by Orthodox I thought... but maybe G-d would except it.... I know better then this..., but after years of striving and struggling, this could be a easy way out! I talked to the Conservative Rabbi on the phone... Very nice guy! Definitly NOT ORTHODOX! But he continued to invite me to his community and to bring my family... I new as I talked to him that I could never do this, that for me ONLY ORTHODOX & ONLY BRESLEV! So anyway I was polite and finished the conversation and hung up. My wife then says, she would start going to synogogue with me if I wanted to go to that one, she just didn't want to go to the Orthodox one (chabad) because she felt they made her not intentionly feel less then, and that they always wanted money. But she would go to the Conservative one!! I tried to sway her to the Orthodox, but she wasn't changing her mind, though she did let up a little.
The conservative Rabbi I talked with kept telling me it is impossible for me to be a Orthodox Jew in Redmond Oregon, it is impossible to keep all the laws! Don't worry about it! I know it sounds crazy but what kinda a Jew would say that? It must have been a test! The evil inlclination, will do what ever he can to keep me from the true faith!
The truth is who do I learn torah from? A conservative jew? He doesn't keep the torah! How can he teach it!? This was the big revelation for me here! I want to learn torah! But from one who knows Torah? Who lives Torah! The conervative Rabbi kept telling me you cant be a orthodox Jew alone! I need community and there is none here, except his. But I kept thinking about Saba, and about R. Israel Karduner, R. Israel Karduner seemed to live it alone, why cant I?
The truth here is, this relationship with G-d, me not being able to convert and living how I am, is kinda of what is bringing so close to Hashem, I feel closer to him then ever, I am kinda scared now that when I do finally fulfill all I have prayed for, this beautiful relationship of striving to be a Jew may dissolve, May G-d have mercy and that never happen.
With Love Yaakov
Comments are defintily appreciated!