Saturday, April 27, 2013

NNNNM, To Jerusalem I'm calling!!!!!!!

 " There will come a time when everyone will ask “where is the petek? And where is the Baal petek?" And there will be a very long line and I will sit in my palace"
-Song of Redemption-
So what has been up lately? I am working very, very, very hard on trying to get the funds together to make it, to Saba for Rosh Hashana!!!! It looks like it is actually going to happen this year!!! I am soooo excited!!! It all depends if I can get the money!!! I am hoping!!! I plan to go for 10 days, not near as long as I would like but Rebbe Nachman said "A little is also good"... I hope to stay with nanachs while I am there... I do not have money for a hotel, and also I would like to experience nanach day to day life! I also hope to do some hafatza if possible.. Also the kotel, R' Shimon Bar Yochai's grave, the arizal's grave, and just have fun and BE HAPPY!!! I am always happy to hear any new ideas on what to do cause I have no idea!!! Also, if you have a place we can stay a day or so please fb me. It will be both my wife and I coming.. I do have a friend working on staying accommodations for me but I don't know if has figured anything out yet... so if you have the space and are willing please let me know... I may already have somewhere to stay, but I am unsure...
Anway looking forward to new beginings!!!

Tuesday, March 5, 2013


"Though He slay me I will trust in Him."

Ok... If you do not know my story please go to my very first blog post here...

and here

Ok so maybe I am crazy... it certainly seems that way!! I am in such a prison... Once can not imagine the deapth of my pain!!! Fanatic fine maybe but I cannot help it! Who in the world can one love as much as my G-d! None it is not even a little possible!

Hashem has stolen my heart!!! One says to be faithful in a marriage but when the love of your life, is the G-d of the world how can it compare? Doesn't that sound wonderful? I assure you however it is not! I live in prison! In constant torture! Surely my sins I being purified! Oh for all my sins it would cost me my whole life! God my love and king have mercy on me!

The orthodox will not have me, And the conservative I cant get a conversoin with cause it wont be vailid? Why? And even if I did it truly is not possible to keep the whole torah not in a communtiy and not married to a Jew with at Jewish family...

Do I sound ungrateful? Like a bad Husband or father!? I promise I love them all! With my whole heart just as well... Or else why would I still be here in this place... Oh God the pain is great, but still I love... Have mecy on me God of my life and love of my heart and deliver me from this prison!!!

Do I sound a bit dramatic??? Maybe I am exagerating!? Let me ask you does the spirit of the words I speak, seem to be so? Oh my heart is broken... I feel as nothing is left.... Oh God save me..

"Though He slay me I will trust in Him."


Sunday, March 3, 2013

Slay the Evil Inclination

I see that the main point is self-sacrifice for G-d, for the Torah. Wisdom is also good, but the main point, the basis, the main point of Judaism, of the Torah – is self-sacrifice, the strength of will!
The main thing is the will, and not to fall, that is the main thing. Not to despair and not to fall, only to renew oneself at all times. To start anew. To draw close to G-d in truth, with all one’s strength. To overcome with great determination.
I saw that the main point is dependent on the heart, according to the will –
Keeping your mind intently focused on your goal can also help you in studying the Torah. For example, you could focus intently on the thought that you want to complete all four sections of the Shulchan Aruch . You could calculate that if you study five pages every day you could complete all four sections in a single year. Picture in your mind exactly how you will go about this course of study. Concentrate so strongly that you are literally obsessed with the thought.
The same approach can also be applied to other studies, such as the Bible or the Talmud and its commentaries. If your desire is strong and your concentration sufficiently intense, your plans will be accomplished.
Sichot Haran #62
This to me seems can be very applicable to our Yetzer Hara.  I believe honestly that the greatest battle any of us will ever fight is the battle fought within. Saba says "I see that the main point is self-sacrifice for G-d, for the Torah. Wisdom is also good, but the main point, the basis, the main point of Judaism, of the Torah – is self-sacrifice, the strength of will!". The strength of will. It seems so hard but it can be done. we must strengthen ourselves and slay the evil Inclination!!

So many times I find myself falling, and so I get up everyday, and start over only to fall again!! But we must get up.. and keep trying and starting over everyday...

The main thing is the will, and not to fall, that is the main thing. Not to despair and not to fall, only to renew oneself at all times. To start anew. To draw close to G-d in truth, with all one’s strength. To overcome with great determination.
It is a battle we must fight, if not it is a battle without a doubt we will lose! We must care! We must strive, we must chop the head off this yetzer hara! We must keep the torah, and fight to keep it everyday, and when we fall we must get up, and if we do finally, finally with Gods help, we WILL SLAY THE EVIL INCLINATION!
I believe the story of David and Goliath can definitly be also a representive of the giant task we face overcoming the evil inclination. But with faith in G-d and strengthing of will we can overcome it, we can win.
G-d be with us all. Nn!


Wednesday, February 20, 2013

A Jew? A Jew Who?

All the words of the Torah are points of advice and ways to be a Jew, we do not know at all what is the great worth of a Jew, just the name “Jew”. As Rabbeinu said in Uman, he was doing hitbodedut* and he prayed to G-d and cried before him: “Master of the World, dear Father, merciful Father, how does one merit to be a Jew?” He was already at such a level, he was already such a genius, such a sage, such a tzaddik….. as much as he served G-d, as much as he did was nothing to him, and there was no one who could compare to him in all history, and he prayed and beseeched G-d: “How does one merit to be a Jew, how does one merit to be a Jew?…..” And he inspired us with every one of his words, with every teaching, how to be Jewish, that is our primary work, that is the essence of life, the essential light – Jewishness. All the Torah is about how to be a Jew, the Torah teaches us how to be a Jew. What is ‘Jewish’? The Torah and the mitzvot*. This is why we are living, this is the main point of life.
-Saba Yisroel-


Saba says;

How does one merit to be a Jew? Let's see;

  • All the Torah is about how to be a Jew!!

  • What is ‘Jewish’? The Torah and the mitzvot!

  • the ‘Flowing River, the Source of Wisdom’, who teaches us how to merit to be Jewish. It is all for us, to inform us, to inform the whole world, to each and every one in his home, how to merit to be Jewish!

  • revealed to us what is the work that the Jews have to do, what work we have to do – only the work of the Torah and the mitzvot, that is our work.

  • These are very hidden matters, but we need to delve into them, to put our hearts and minds in the books, ‘Likutey Moharan’*, ‘Likutey Tefilot’*, ‘Sippurei Ma’asiot’*, to read them and to serve G-d. What other work do we have? Only Torah and prayer!” I saw Rabbi Israel Karduner, how he was so very attached to Rabbeinu, to ‘Likutey Moharan’, he learned the lessons of ‘Likutey Moharan’ which all shed wondrous light on how to be a Jew. I saw all through the night, someone wandering from place to place, all through the room, now I know who this is. He speaks only about the Torah and the mitzvot* and all his strength, all his wisdom was how to merit to be a Jew, how to merit to fulfill the Torah and the mitzvot. This is our work in this world…..
OK, I think this is enough for now.. I as most of you, if not all of you who have been following my blog know, I am a nanach! I very much want to convet to Judaism, My wife however does not... It is very hard to keep the torah, once I convert if I am married to a non-Jew. I don't know how one can be Jewish in my situation! But I know Saba says; To merit to be a Jew, keep the torah!!!! So I intend on doing hibididut not giving up on begging to G-d for my situation to change. All the partriachs wives were barren, why? cause G-d desires the prayers of the righteous. Not to call myself righteous, that is not the point, the point is maybe G-d desires my prayers and so maybe I pray enough and keep torah the best I can and G-d will open conversion for me some how...

much peace friends!

Saba Hamelech!


Saturday, February 16, 2013

I Am Nachman

I am Na Nach Nachma Nachman me Uman. I, I am revealing to you, what the whole world does not know – I am revealing to you: I am Na Nach Nachma Nachman me Uman. All the world does not know and does not know who I am, I will reveal to you who I am, I am Na Nach Nachma Nachman me Uman, that is all!
-Saba Yisroel-
Exodus (32, 32), “If you (Hashem) will atone their transgression, for if not please blot me out from your book. The words Veim ayin mecheinee Na...” backwards, reads ani Nachman; I am Nachman. Moshe Rabbenu besieged Hashem to atone and if not then atone for the sake of Rebbe Nachman who will be revealed in the future who will atone for the Jewish people.37 world created from 10 sayings-

but also here is a thought,  "I am Nachman is super Awesome!! Because, Saba said "Ani, Ani, Ani, Na Nach Nachma Nachman MeUman!"  Which is also the 10 letter song, which is the 10 serifot which is the creation of the world, symbolizing a new creation! So in other words Ani Nachman read backwards not only hints to Rebbeniu, but also to Saba who said "Ani, Ani, Ani, Na Nach Nachma Nachman MeUman!", in other words I am Nachman.  well the top paragraph is from, this bottom part is just my thinking.. :-)

Conversion to Judaism

"Dearer to God than all of the Israelites who stood at Mount Sinai is the convert. Had the Israelites not witnessed the lightning, thunder, and quaking mountain, and had they not heard the sounds of the shofar, they would not have accepted the Torah. But the convert, who did not see or hear any of these things, surrendered to God and accepted the yoke of heaven. Can anyone be dearer to God than such a person?"
Tanhuma (ed. Buber),
Lekh Lekha 6:32

"When a proselyte comes to be converted, one receives him with an open hand so as to bring him under the wings of the Divine Presence."
(Leviticus Rabbah 2:9
Beloved are proselytes by God, for the Bible everywhere uses the same epithet of them as of Israel"
(Talmud, Gerim 4:3)

"Wherever you go, I will go. Wherever you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried"
Ruth, a Moabite and the
great-grandmother of King David,
who chose to convert to Judaism.
(Ruth 1:16-17)

"You shall love the convert"
(Deuteronomy 10:19)

"You must understand the feelings of the convert."
(Exodus 23:9
I am still here! G-d do not forget me my love...... Save me from this exile!! Please

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The Dream of the Waves

"I was in the sea, and there were huge waves, like mountains."
-Saba Yisroel-
….. I was in the sea, and there were huge waves, like mountains. I saw that a mountain of water was coming toward me, a real mountain, and it came straight toward me with a fury. I said, “Oi vey, in a few moments it wi...ll reach me, what will be of me, I’ll die, there’s no hope. I’ll die!” That’s how it was. It came raging at me, with great speed, coming to kill me. It fell on me and I was in total despair. But then I saw that I was rising, until I reached the surface and stuck my head out and could breathe. I was still alive. Alright, the wave passed and I was still alive, but then I saw a new mountain coming, a new wave. What will be now, one cannot expect miracles to happen on a regular basis, so what will become of me now? Well, the way it came at me, it did not ask me, it came at me and fell upon me – a new mountain. Again there was a miracle, and I rose up through the water, until I poked my head from the water and remained alive. Well, good, I was saved twice. But the sea was stormy and new waves were coming. “What will become of me, what will this come to?” I sensed the danger, such waves, such mountains, and felt hopeless. I saw the danger, and each time it was a miracle, how I rose above the waves. I would rise through the water until I reached the surface and popped my head out, remaining alive. But I kept thinking, ‘Who knows what will be next?’ I saw and felt the danger of my situation. Such a dream….Suddenly, I see a great building in the sea, not far from me. A large, beautiful building, such beauty….. I said, ‘What, how could this be? Are there buildings in the sea?’ I could not see a thing aside from the waves, and suddenly I saw a building, glorious and large. I was astonished – ‘How could it be? Is it possible for a building to be in the sea?’ But there it was. I thought, ‘Perhaps this is a sign that I will be saved from the water. If there is a building, perhaps I will be able to reach it.’ I made enormous efforts, but could not reach the building. I was already right beside it, and a wave came and pulled me away, distancing me from the building. ‘What will be? I have a place of refuge but I cannot reach it, I don’t have the strength to reach the building, there’s no chance of making it. It’s right next to me, and I cannot reach it.’ Until finally I succeeded. I made a supreme effort and managed to touch the edge of the building (ma’ake – check translation). Only after I had finally grasped the (ma’ake), I felt ‘Now, thank G-d, I can climb up the stairs of the building. There is no sea, no waves, nothing, now I have hope!” So I climbed. There were many steps, and I held onto the railing and ascended with great joy. Every minute was precious beyond measure. I had merited to emerge from such danger, and was now on the stairs of a building! I climbed up the stairs until reaching the end, until reaching the entrance of the building. I reached the entrance, opened the door, and entered into a corridor. On one side there were fine-looking windows,and on the other side was a wall with doors. I came to the first door and wated to open it to see what was there. However, I did not open it, not intentionally, but I did not open it. I said to myself, ‘What? Why didn’t I open it?’ I thought, ‘This time I will open, there are many doors here.’ So I went on, and again reached a door, and again did not open it. I was angry with myself, ‘Why didn’t you open the door?’ I passed by all the doors in this manner, I went on wanting to open, and each time did not. Such a dream….. Until I reached the last door left in the building. I came to the last door, and opened it. I saw a room….. There was a table and chair, and on the chair sat a very old man with a beard – the beard was so beautiful, so white, with such grace…… Also his overall appearance, his face, had a grace not seen in this world – such sweetness. I felt very embarrassed. I saw this elderly man and I saw his face, and I felt very embarrassed and humbled. ‘What right do I have to be in this room and gaze on such a man, what right?’ I wanted to greet the man, but I did not find the courage. ‘To greet him, I feel far from being able. What merit do I have, that I could greet him? How can I find the arrogance to greet this man?’ In any case, the man extended his hand to me and greeted me, grasping my hand firmly and with great love, shaking it. “Shalom Aleichem.” He continued holding my hand with great love, with warm closeness. I did not have the confidence. But he did it himself, so what could I do? I accepted it. Then I woke up.
-Saba Yisroel-

Anyone have any thoughts, comments ideas etc... they want to share? please do.. I thought of somthing what do you think was behind all the other doors? 

Saturday, January 12, 2013


Truth is often grey, and deceit is full of splendour.
-Abraham J. Heschel-


What is Truth? And at what cost should one seek truth? At the cost of all things should truth prevail? At the cost of our loved ones? At the cost of our own lives? How important is it? Is it the highest importance? Is truth greater then faith? Is love greater then truth? Which is the highest good? And what determines Truth? Can truth be two opposites?

Its 12:48 am. I am awake, sitting by the heater on the kitchen floor, writting this on my laptop... I know questions like these cannot be easlily answered... Honestly I just started writting... As I started to write these questions above I couldn't help but think, I hope the reader will not be execting me to give answers to these questions. But then why am I writting them? Can anyone answer them? and if they did would I be satisfied with there answers? And if not does that mean I already know the answers? Or maybe it is because the answer is there is no answer.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Saba, Our light in a world of darkness.

Saba, Our light in a world of darkness.

You need to remember very very well, all the days of your life, each and every day, the great kindness of G-d that He did with you and caused awesome events to happen in His hidden ways to draw you near to the True Tzaddik. Who extracted you from the place he extracted you. And he informs you that G-d still is close to you and that He will not abandon His kindness to you forever. And even though you still are undergoing what you are undergoing, even so certainly the kindness and good that G-d  has done with you is not in vain, G-d forbid, And in the end G-d will finish His and you will merit to return to your source in perfection, in the great stength and merit of the Tzaddik, for the word of G-d lasts forever.
-Saba Hamelech-

we must know Sabas letters are for each of us individually. We must read them knowing this is to me personally from Saba.