Friday, November 30, 2012

G-d be with me

"I did not look at this world, at reknown and pride and importance and fame, to the contrary this had no value for me, I valued only truth..."
We will pray to G-d that He give us people of truth, faithful and true. I saw people faithful to G-d and to the Torah and they have true faith, I need to hear words of truth that will enter my heart, not words of inanity.
 As you know I am deeply troubled about being Jewish and such. At this point there seems to be no way out. I don't know how or why Hashem would do such a terrible thing to me but I suppose as bad as it seems it must be for my own good. The thing is I only want truth! I am interested in nothing else! Not religion either! I suppose I can have truth without being a real Jew. And so I believe at least for now this must be my ultimate direction. I am unsure of what the future holds... Only G-d knows, that I have sought after him with all my being. I have tried to be true to his voice and find him in all places. My love for him is deeper then the deepest ocean and after all I must believe he knows this. If I still have not merited to join the jewish people then it is his will, and his will is mine as well. I will continue to plea with him daily but I think maybe I must move on.. There is truth in nanach! When I dance to nanach the whole world disapears, when I read saba's words or watch his videos or read rebbe nachman everything seem brighter. I love nanach, Saba, Rebbe Nachman & I always will. But until G-d will let me in, It seems the place I am in, is exactly where I am suppose to be. I will not call myself a noahide mainly because I believe the term seem less then, wether or not intended that way. I will say I am a man, who is deeply in love with his G-d, Such a love that all other things dissapear in light of that. For me, there is nothing else. G-d be with me.
May I merit to be a Real Jew soon!!!


Thursday, November 22, 2012

Orthodox Jewish conversion?

This was sent to me in a email; any thoughts?

"The Orthodox Movement (Union) was founded in 1898. Their claim to being the only authentic version of Judaism simply isn't correct. Due to the Haskalah (Enlightenment) movement of the late 1800's a group of rabbis began the Orthodox Union and claimed themselves to be the only way to be a Jew. The vast majority of Jews then and now reject their claim. Conversion through the other movements is not accepted by them but it is by about 90% of other Jews worldwide -- its religious politics. Prior to 1898 there was only Karaite and Rabbinic Judaism. The Reform Movement (of the the World Union for Progressive Judaism) was formed only a few years after the Orthodox because they were offended at the Orthodox claims of holding a Jewish monopoly. The majority of Jews today worldwide are Reform, second is Conservative, a distant third is Orthodox -- even though they hold greater sway in the Jewish community on matters of Law (especially in Israel). Traditionally and historically (and according to the Shulchan Aruch) one is a Jew if three rabbis form a beit din and make that determination, one is circumcised (if male) and emerges from the mikvah regardless of affiliation with any movement. The Orthodox then can dictate who they accept into their fellowships but not who is Jewish and who is not. To deny the authority of other rabbinim is not right.

The sages of Israel have always taught that every Jew was personally present at Sinai and entered into the Covenant then and for all times. One can not therefore actually "convert" into Judaism. One can only gain acceptance by other Jews as a Jew. If one was not present at Sinai to accept Torah initially, one is not a Jew -- even if one is a high ranking Haredi Rebbe. IF you (and I) are to ever "become" truly Jewish you (and I) already are according to the Jewish scholars throughout history. You (we) are simply not recognized yet by our fellows. The Orthodox can accept or reject anyone they wish into their movement, but a Jew is a Jew is a Jew. This is an ancient and well established Jewish dogma."


Until this can be resolved I feel I am at a standstill

I don't stand for the black man's side, I don' t stand for the white man's side. I stand for God's side.
-Bob Marley-

When one door is closed, don't you know, another is open.
-Bob Marley-

One act of obedience is better than one hundred sermons.
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer-

Only he who believes is obedient and only he who is obedient believes.
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer-
I am 100% nanach! Saba is King! I however am struggling here... I hope people can help..
Please help, with this. I have recently been reading about many people great people from different walks of life. People who I believe were Holy people, directly doing the work of G-d. One of these people the well known and popular Bob Marley & Dietrich Bonheoffer. One a Rastafari Christian the other a protestant Christian. Both served G-d differently but both served G-d.
One of my biggest struggles in my Journey into Judaism is , I know most usually disagree with me when I say this, but truly do know that it is true, this is that the redemption is mainly or mostly for the Jews. With the same breath one will say that loves all people. I can’t help but struggle with this idea or description of G-d. If G-d is king of the world shouldn’t he love all people equally? Now of course when I bring this up, whoever I am talking to always assures me that G-d loves all people… But answer this for me, if one is held in a higher status, a greater position then another, this is surely not a love that is equal, and surely cannot be Just. Shouldn’t the redemption be for the whole world? Now this could simply be that the original idea of the redemption possibly was to bring the Jews back to Israel and the temple to be rebuilt? So how can the redemption be for a gentile? I think the idea of the redemption has evolved over time, to mean way way more then the rebuilding of the temple etc.. To mean exactly what I am not sure maybe the redemption from this life of suffering. Does G-d love and redeem the Jew first and only secondly the gentile? A gentile can only worship G-d but not on as high of a level.. This again, seems wrong. All people ALL people were created equally.. I long to worship G-d with the deepest part of my being and yet I cannot worship at the same level as a Jew? A Jew is holier than a gentile? Holds a more special place with G-d? How can this be just? How can this be correct?
In no way am I advocating for Christianity of any form. Just coincidence I read about both these people in the last week. And although they are both christians they are very very very diffirent religions. The question for me here has nothing to do with Christianity, but something I have struggled with Judaism from the beginning. This is a HUGE mountain in my path!!! I am afraid at this point this problem must be resolved for me to continue down the path to Judaism. Please Please help.. Until this can be resolved I feel I am at a standstill, and can progress no further.

Who Am I? by Dietrich Bonhoeffer Dietrich Bonhöffer, a young theologian of great promise, was martyred by the Nazis for his participation in a plot against the life of Adolf Hitler. His writings have greatly influenced recent theological thought. This article appeared in the Journal Christianity and Crisis, March 4, 1946. Used by permission. This article was prepared for Religion Online by Ted & Winnie Brock.

Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equably, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were
compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?
Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!


Saturday, November 17, 2012

The Cry of My Heart!

When words and cries don't help, cry deep in your heart without letting out a sound.
Likutey Moharan II, 5

Who will see me, when my heart is broken before you,
Who will taste the tears streaming down my face,
Who can know my pain, and my fears,
Who can pick me up from this broken place,
This place were I am alone! I scream, Na Nach Nachma Nachman MeUman!!!!!!!!!!!
I scream Hashem!!!!!! Saba!!!!!!!!!!! Rebbe Nachman!!!!!!!!!!!! Some one hear me!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone!!!!!!!!!!!! Help!!!!!!!!!!! I dunno what to do....
My heart longs only for you Hashem, and yet you seem so far,
So many times my heart breaks, and I want to give up!
And so I do.... Only to start again tommorow.
Hashem I love you..
Do you love me?
Are you there?
Who can save me from such pain,
Who can save me from such longing, such a yearning I could cease to live,
Who can love me like you Hashem,
Who can deliver me from all my fears,
Only you Hashem... Only you...
You are more heart, my soul, my every breath... Without you I cannot even live... Without you I don't exist...
I love you... do you hear me? where are you? I need you my love.
by Yaakov

What is Good? Orthodox Conversion?.....

A person shouldn't take upon himself added stringencies, as our Rabbis taught 'The torah was not given to angels. This can make him fall from his service of Hashem. The greatest wisdom of all wisdoms is not to be wise at all, rather to be pure and honest with simplicity. (LM2 44)
‎6'Wherewith shall I come before HaShem, and bow myself before G-d on high? Shall I come before Him with burnt-offerings, with calves of a year old? 7 Will HaShem be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousands of rivers of oil? Shall I give my first-born for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?' 8 It hath been told thee, O man, what is good, and what HaShem doth require of thee: only to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy G-d.
(Mikah 6:6-8)

The original post here I removed. A very good friend answered all my questions I was struggling with. Thanks for checking it out!



Friday, November 9, 2012


You may be good, pious people, but that was not my intention. My intention was that you should be the kind of people who roar out to God for entire nights, like animals in the forest.
Siach Sarfey Kodesh 1-120
WE must keep on hoping! Never Despair! HOPE!! HOPE!!!! Hashem hears my prayers! I know he does... It is taking awhile but things are moving! "THE WOLD IS A NARROW BRIDGE, THE MAIN THIS IS NOT TO BE AFRAID", ( or one could say not lose hope).
Your loving friend

Blah...Blah..Blah... Restore my soul please!

When a person falls from his level he should know that this is sent from Heaven.
The purpose of the apparent rejection is to draw him closer. The reason for the fall is to spur the person to make even greater efforts to draw closer to God.
The thing to do is to make an entirely new start. Start serving God as if you had never started in your whole life. This is one of the most basic principles of serving God. We must literally begin all over again every day.
Likutey Moharan I, 261
Latley everything feels so grey! So Blah! I feel like I am slowly dying inside! That I am losing hope! Like my dreams will never come through. I will never be a Jew and never live in Israel! Maybe G-d doesn't want me I dunno. Suprisingly as depressing as this sounds I feel ok about it. Really I do. I am not depressed, Everything just feels so blah! blah! So grey! lacking color and excitment! I am very much trying to hang on, but I feel my grip slipping! G-d pleae give me strength to hang on! I don't know that I would call it depression, just a lack, a hole somthing empty... The fire in me is or feels like it is buring out. I don't want this! I don't want it at all! I grasping for anything to hang on too! I am reading all the books possible listinening to all the music (which I have already listned to a million times in depserate need of more!) I am trying, to hang on! I even made designated study times and matierial to be more disicplined! I truly am ok, I just feel like part of me is missing, is dead, or dying, G-d please bring it back to life... Until then I am waiting..., and hoping...G-d Restore my soul!
Thanks my friends for listnening

Sunday, October 28, 2012

I Must Get Up!!

"I failed, I failed, I fell in such a way....I fell into such depression that I couldn't speak and be seen with people. I went to the yeshiva and I lay in the synagogue in the yeshiva, there was a yeshiva and also a synagogue, I lay in the synagogue like a dead person, not speaking not eating, like a dead person... and the students of the yeshiva, this synagogue, the students of the yeshiva, whoever entered the synagogue and saw Yisroel Ber lying in such depression that was frightening......Such depression?! Even if someone transgressed the whole Torah, such depression?! In any event I had great pain, and I was under great duress....."
"I did what I did, but I want to repent, heal me, and take me out of this predicament, from this depression"
Saba prays, and Hashem gives him the petek..
I started to dance in my room, and the yeshiva, they learned in the yeshiva and they said that he – the crazy one – has become happy... he has become happy, but he is dancing. So all of them came into my room and they saw the... such a thing, that I am dancing... I am not asking them, I am dancing and so happy... they were negated... they took me out of the room like... yes, and they stood in a circle and I was in the center, and I danced several hours into the night... and they became tired. They stood a long time like this... so they said, “he will not tire, he will tire us out, we don't have any more strength!” So they went, and I danced alone. In any event, this is something that is impossible to describe, to tell over the matter of depression that I had and the happiness... and such happiness!... and I didn't have a cure, in contradistinction to the depression I came into such happiness, and I had a cure for my whole life.
Tzadik, Tzadik, Tzadik, Tzadik, Tzadik, Tzadik, Tzadik!!!!!!!!!!! How do you know if you are a Tzadik? When you fall down to a very low level, and you get up , and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, and get up, H’ doesn't care how many times you fall, it's how many time you get up that is what is most important !!! You get up and get out of there, and fight to reach for a high level then you are a Tzadik!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You have to get up Tzadik! Why? Because you have 2 nephashot and 1 of them comes from H’, and we can't make His face get shy, never ever Tzadik!!! We have the power!!!!!! We are H"s children we never give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By moshe beyerushalaim
Every time that I underwent a difficulty, issues that people transpire, falling or downs, then immediately I took the Petek and read, then already there was a healing....
Alright, Im up... here we go.. Time to start over and try again. You think by now I would be getting good at this... LOL.
Love ya all,

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Mad World (warning this may offend some people)

I first started writing this blog in hopes of expressing the ups and downs, the back and fourth..., the on and off of one wanting to convert to Judaism. To bring whats on the inside outside. For others who are expierencing the same thing as well as for support and to simply express myself. But now I am in a place, where I don't want to dissapoint those who have supported me or been pleased with me, or to ruin friendships which I have formed...This very Much reminds me of, my past expierences working in the xan churches. People just wanted to keep the church or "tythe givers happy". At any cost! Even with-holding the truth! I very much was disturbed by this thinking and in a sense I find myself doing the very same thing. Of course money is not invovled here, but things much more preacious. To put oneself out there, can be very hard. People are so quick to judge one another, and so one really never knows what others reactions maybe. But....

"Truth is often gray, and deceit is full of splendor."
-Heschel, Abraham Joshua  A Passion for Truth -
"Truth is not a feeling, a mere thought. Truth confronts us as a behest, an insistent summons, austere, uncompromising. Are we able to respond to it in the recesses of our souls?"
-Heschel, Abraham Joshua  A Passion for Truth -
"To live without deception presupposes standards beyond the reach of most people, whose existence is largely shaped by compromise, evasion, and mutual accommodation. Could they face their weakness, their vanity and selfishness, without a mask" (AJH). And so hear I will attempt to do just that.
I am very confused... I have sought so very long and hard... I have wasted the last 10 years of my life in search for Hashem... The Torah says seek and you will find.. But I am seeking... I have sought.. with all of my life.. at the expense of my family..., I have spared nothing.
After Years of searching, I believed I have found what I was looking for.. But inside I am not so sure it fits... So what is it that I am looking for to fit? I dunno? Somthing just isn't right? Does G-d really care if we say the right blessings at the right time? Does he really care weather we grow out our beards? Is it possible to really subscribe ourselves to believe things of that which we do not believe? "When a man has so far corrupted and prostituted the chastity of his mind, as to subscribe his professional belief to things he does not believe, he has prepared himself for the commission of every other crime."(Thomas Paine).  I honestly think we think we believe these dogmas that our spoon fed to us... but alot of times when we really ask ourselves do I really believe this, or that? We find the answer is no! But we force ourselves to believe things we really do not believe... Does he really want us to repeat prayers daily that others wrote that don't even pour from our hearts? Can we really not eat meat and cheese together? Or drive a car saturday? Can I really not be a Jew because my wife and kids don't want too? Why all this time I call out and hear nothing in reply?
Do not be misled my friends... I am NOT denying the faith! Only struggling! Only seeking the truth? As these pics I have used above show, I am deeply troubled and my soul is in deep anguish... GOD IF YOU ARE THERE, THEN WHY WILL YOU NOT HELP ME? WHY NOT TELL ME ANYTHING? ANSWER ME!!?? I AM SEEKING YOU? HELP!
Please watch this video at the link below..
All around me are familiar facesWorn out places, worn out facesBright and early for the daily racesGoing nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glassesNo expression, no expressionHide my head I wanna drown my sorrowNo tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sadThe dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever hadI find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to takeWhen people run in circles its a very, veryMad world, mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel goodHappy birthday, happy birthdayAnd I feel the way that every child shouldSit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervousNo one knew me, no one knew meHello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sadThe dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever hadI find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to takeWhen people run in circles its a very, veryMad world, mad world, enlarging your worldMad world

Your very Honestly
ps. to all of you who have supported me, please don't give up on me or take offense to anything said, If I offended anyone I am so sorry. Not my intention. I just want Hashem! I am seeking no ones truth, ONLY HIS!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Climbing Mountains and Riding Roller Coasters

"Moshe (Moses) ascended Mount Sinai to receive the Torah and bring it back to the Jews in order to teach them the word of the living G-d. Why was it necessary for Moshe to climb a mountain to receive the Torah? Couldn't the Torah have been given by some other means? The fact that all of Israel watched Moshe climb up Mount Sinai on his way to receive the Torah and the fact that this was recorded in the Torah for all future generations to read, teaches us that coming close to Hashem and attaining true Torah values have something to do with climbing mountains"
"Rav Noson cautions that when a person is worthy to have a spiritual elevation, the great light that it creates causes the forces of evil to attack with greater ferocity, just as happened to the holy men mentioned above. This can cause a person to fall soon after he attains a measure of spiritual growth. Rav Noson says that even if one has fallen tens of thousands of times, after every spiritual climb, he should totally ignore the falls and continue to observe as many commandments as he can. No matter what has happened, he should continue to do whatever he can to serve Hashem. The main thing is just not to allow one's spiritual ups and downs to let him fall completely away from Hashem. Hashem expects a person to fall on a regular basis, and does not hold one accountable for this. However, Hashem does require that one should not totally give up completely, when a fall does occur. Then, one may ask, what purpose is there in trying to come closer to Hashem, if in the end he will fall away? Rav Noson answers that after all the spiritual ups and downs, a portion of the light that one accessed during his ascent remains with him, accumulating in his soul. That accumulated light eventually empowers him to rise above the filth of this world and merit the hereafter."
Concerning the spiritual ups and downs of life, King Solomon wrote, "Do not be overly righteous, neither make yourself overly wise, why should you destroy yourself?" [Through one's excessive righteousness, he generates too much light, far beyond his current level. His inability to condense that immense light into protective vessels within his mind leaves him an open target to the attacks by the forces of evil, which attempt to destroy him] (Eccl. 7:16) The next verse addresses the opposite situation, when one has the expected fall after attaining a higher level: "Do not be overly wicked. [If you have fallen into sin, do not give up the ways of Hashem entirely. To fall is expected, it happens to everyone.] You should neither be foolish [and sin even more than you already have]. Why should you die before your time [and throw away everything? Making a person feel that since he already sinned, he might as well sin more is a common trick of the forces of evil.] (Eccl. 7:17) (Lekutai Halachot: Orach Chaim: Hilchot Netelas Ya'die'yim Shachris 4:13-14, 16)
That Moshe brought down the Torah from Mount Sinai, most people take for granted. However, it was an act which required great skill, courage, and daring, and was not so easily accomplished. One reason why this incident is recorded in the Torah is to illustrate to every person, that everyday of our lives, we ascend and descend our own personal Mount Sinai, which like Moshe's original climb and descent, is no easy task. The episode's main point is that we will always have ups and downs throughout our lives, successes and failures. Rabbi Nachman teaches that we should disregard everything negative that happens and retain our firm commitment to continue on the path that leads to Hashem, everything else is just a diversion created by the evil inclination. Rabbi Nachman emphasized that no one, not even the greatest Tzaddikim (saints), has a smooth and straight path to reach Hashem, to reach the greatest possible Good. Therefore, as Moshe's climb up Mount Sinai illustrates, nothing should ever deter us from climbing the Mountain of Hashem, as the verse says, "Who may ascend the mountain of Hashem [who wishes to attain spiritual elevation and come close to Hashem]?..One who has...a pure heart [who is determined that no matter what happens, even if he committed the worst of sins, he will never be diverted from coming close to Hashem. Amen]!" (Psalms 24:

Well things are at a low, but this is ok. Much like a roller coaster which we all know must first go up and then comes down! I found myself very much in a high, a honey moon high with nanach! The honey moon has ended and the high has fallen back to normal, and now I find Here I am..
Very much the same as before.., Only with many good friends, and the knowledge of the True Tzaddik! I have been moving at lightening speed, and at such a speed one should be careful one does not leave behind all that G-d has put in ones care. However moving to slow we can find ourselves in a stalemate! Which we definitly do not want either. One must move at the proper speed at the proper time. I have often used the word roller coaster to describe my spiritual life. But if you stop and think about it, a roller coaster moves very fast, with lots of twist and turns along the way. But there is also times when a roller coaster moves very slow such on his way up to the top! The idea here is  a roller coaster moves at exactly the right speed all the time! To do exactly what it was made to do. And by nothing other then faith I must believe that this also is true for my life! And in this I must continue to do the same thing, to move at the right speed at the right time. Where ever we go, Here we are! G-d is in absolute control! I must believe! So many times did I read Sabas words Only by faith! To all of you who have me on this path. Thank You. With the deepest thanks. May G-d bless you and return to you all you blessings 10 fold!

Yours Truly

Thursday, October 18, 2012


The most well known martyr is Rabbi Akiva, who was raked over his skin with iron combs. Despite the pain consuming him, he was still able to proclaim God's providence in the world by reciting the Shema, drawing out the final Echad - "One".

Well it has been a Journey! And the Journey continues! I don't know what I am doing! But I am following Rabbi Nachman and praying daily for conversion! My friend Yosef Saban gave me great advice! Never Give Up! Death First!

So I will say I will never give up! Death First! And in my dying breath may I be worthy to say; as Rabbi Akiva and so many others:

Shema  Yisroel,  Adonai  Eloheinu,  Adonai   Echad! 



Saturday, October 13, 2012

Be Yourself!

The text reads: "Walk before me and be perfect." However, the Hebrew reads "hitalekh lifanai ve'heyeh tamim." The Hebrew "tam" is not generally used to imply "perfect" but "innocent, simple, pure, whole-hearted, complete." A more accurate interpretation would be "Walk before me and be whole." And that cannot be a command, but an expression of what will happen: "if you (Abraham, or any one of us) would walk in God's ways, we would be complete."
A Hassidic story tells us that before his death Rabbi Zusya said, "In the world to come, they will not ask me: 'Why were you not Moses' they will ask me: 'Why were you not Zusya?'" How many of us try to become people other than ourselves, set for ourselves goals based on images of masculinity or beauty that are external and modeled by others?
People are often perplexed by the accounts of the biblical heroes, all of whom are imperfect. In order to save his life, Abraham hides the fact that Sarah is his wife. He easily accepts Sarah's demand that he expel Hagar and Ishamel (whose birth was caused by Sarah's own encouragement)! Isaac easily goes along with his father's intention to sacrifice him and plays along with his own son Jacob's ruse of getting the paternal blessing. On and on. The answer, of course, is that the biblical characters are depicted as fully human (like you and I) not angels, or "gods."

No one expects us to be perfect. Sometimes we are confused by the English translations of Biblical texts. For example, in Genesis (17:1) it appears as though God commands Abraham to be perfect. The text reads: "Walk before me and be perfect." However, the Hebrew reads "hitalekh lifanai ve'heyeh tamim." The Hebrew "tam" is not generally used to imply "perfect" but "innocent, simple, pure, whole-hearted, complete." A more accurate interpretation would be "Walk before me and be whole." And that cannot be a command, but an expression of what will happen: "if you (Abraham, or any one of us) would walk in God's ways, we would be complete."

One of the kids' favorite books that I'd read to them in Hebrew was by Shel Silverstein, "The Missing Piece Meets the Big O." In it a little wedge-shaped piece imagines that it is the missing piece of some other "thing." That it needs to fit into another being in order to be whole and move in the world. Some fit, but can't move, others have too many chunks missing from them.... Eventually the "Missing Piece" learns that it can reshape itself -- round its corners -- and is actually whole and able to move in the world.

We often feel that we are broken and unable to move. The brokenness is understandable and real, but, what we do with our broken selves depends on us. Ernest Hemingway said, "Life breaks all of us, yet many of us are strong in the broken place." Novelists, like Hemingway, tell stories with beginnings, middles and ends... a clear trajectory that the writer constructs to make sure the story has meaning. But our lives are lived in the flow of history with many overlapping beginnings, middles and endings and no single trajectory. We have to find and make the meaning for our own lives.

The story is told of a king who had a wonderful jewel. He would gaze on it often, wondering at its beauty. One day, something startled him and he dropped the jewel causing it to fall. As he picked it up from the hard stone floor the king noticed that the jewel now had a deep crack in it. He sent messengers out to find a craftsman who could repair it, but, no one came forward. Finally after a very long search he found an old jeweler who said he could repair the jewel, but, that the king would have to promise to give him free reign in his work. With no other options, the king assented. The old craftsman set up his workshop and worked continuously for many days (taking time off for Shabbat). Finally he emerged and showed the king the jewel. There in the jewel, the old man had worked the lines of the crack into the pattern of an exquisite flower that appeared deep inside the precious stone. The king gasped and realized that the crack itself had led to the jewel becoming even more precious.

Yet another story of a crack.

This one was of a simple man who walked every day from his home to the stream with a pole across his broad shoulders and two buckets hanging one from each side. He walked down to the stream, filled the two buckets and walked back up to his house and there emptied the buckets into a large basin from which the family drew water through the day. However, one of the buckets had a crack in it and every day the man had only one and a half buckets of water to pour into the basin. Day after day, this went on. Eventually - late at night after everyone had fallen asleep - the cracked bucket spoke to the man: "I am embarrassed that every day I only bring half the amount of water needed for the basin. Please get rid of me and get a new, whole, unbroken bucket." The next morning the man took his buckets down to the stream. As he did, he spoke to the cracked bucket. "Why do you feel so bad about yourself? Do you see this path we walk every day? One side of it has flowers growing along it, the other side is barren. I knew about your crack -- what you have considered a flaw. Because of your crack, I planted flowers along that side of the path from which you hang. Every day, as I walked back from the stream you have watered these flowers... flowers that we have cut to beautify our simple home. If you did not have a crack, or, if I was to get rid of you and get another bucket without a crack I would need to make special arrangements to water our flowers. I appreciate you because of your crack."
All of the above I did not write, this was copied from this website;
This however is a word from me, Be yourself!
 "A Hassidic story tells us that before his death Rabbi Zusya said, "In the world to come, they will not ask me: 'Why were you not Moses' they will ask me: 'Why were you not Zusya?'" How many of us try to become people other than ourselves, set for ourselves goals based on images of masculinity or beauty that are external and modeled by others?"
I cannot begin to say of how often I have found myself trying to do this same thing! Trying to be others, Great tzaddiks and the like? But Hashem speaks! He says, I already have Moses, I don't need Moses, I need you!
 "We each have a role to play. And no role is more important then any other role, there just roles in the drama... Now the issue of love, Its important the distinction be made between the verb love which takes a object. And the being, the state of being which is love. Your afraid that if you don't try to be loving you'll be awful. But the fact is behind loving and awfulness we are. And where we are is love."
 Life is a journey, and each moment is are destination! We are here now in each moment on this journey, and where we are is exatctly where we should be. G-d wants us to be ourselves. Not someone else. This message seems very universal. I think we all need to stop and ask ourselves, Am I being real with myself? Am I being me? Or someone else?
What is it I believe? Who am I? How can I best serve G-d being who I am, from where I am at? Thomas paine wrote this;
"But it is necessary to the happiness of man, that he be mentally faithful to himself. Infidelity does not consist in believing, or in disbelieving; it consists in professing to believe what he does not believe. It is impossible to calculate the moral mischief, if I may so express it, that mental lying has produced in society. When a man has so far corrupted and prostituted the chastity of his mind, as to subscribe his professional belief to things he does not believe, he has prepared himself for the commission of every other crime. He takes up the trade of a priest for the sake of gain, and, in order to qualify himself for that trade, he begins with a perjury. Can we conceive anything more destructive to morality than this?"

 So whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you believe.., Serve G-d, Be yourself, whoever that self truly is.

Monday, October 8, 2012

The Struggles of G-d I have Waged


All the more so, when a person begins to pity himself and senses his poverty and lacking in good deeds, and argues with G-d and beseeches Him to draw him close to His service, and pours out his heart before Him with weeping and pleading, how very precious is such a prayer in the eyes of G-d, more than all the prayers in the world, even though the person has prayed and done hitbodedut for a long time, and it appears to him that he has not had effect at all, nevertheless, not a single word is lost, and all of them are noted, counted and stored in G-d’s treasuries. And even though it is impossible for a person in a physical body to know if he has had effect with his service of G-d or not, and even if all his life he only had one hairsbreadth of effect, this is also more precious than all of the life of this world. Therefore, one needs to strengthen oneself in this very much, beyond measure. And when one will be determined in it, in the aspect of “The struggles of G-d I have waged,” then certainly in the end one will merit to actualize his request and draw close to G-d in truth,
-Hishtapchut HaNefesh -
It is very good to know this. That my prayers are heard, even if it doesn't seem so. And in the end, Hashem will actualize my request. It has been hard. I have not been as stubburn in hitbodedut as I should be. I am up again though, Ready for the next round. Hashem give me strength! But the great thing above, is that this is for all of us.., Not just me, but you too, whoever you are, whatever your going through.., we must strengthen ourselves! Hishtapchut HaNefesh says "But the primary stubbornness needs to be especially in prayer and supplication, and above all else, in the discussions of hitbodedut." So whatever it is you (reader) or I am going through.. We can do it! We must pour out our hearts to Hashem and be stubburn about doing so! Never despairing! Never! Here is some other good quotes about hitbodedut;
"Those who are accustomed to do hitbodedut, they are protected from all trouble and enemies and attackers, for they take refuge in the shadow of G-d’s wings at all times."
-Hishtapchut HaNefesh -
"Through hitbodedut, one dwells securely."
-Hishtapchut HaNefesh -
 "Thus, through the reciting of Tehillim and hitbodedut, everything is repaired.."
-Hishtapchut HaNefesh -
Oh yes, real quick does anyone remember what Saba called Hishtapchut HaNefesh? "The Holy of Holies". So if its in Hishtapchut HaNefesh. I would say you can bet your life on it!  
Your loving friend Yaakov

Sunday, October 7, 2012

This is the Light, that Illuminates the World!

"I have no connection to the world. I am simply pouring out my heart before G-d in hisbodedus."
Well my friends, It has been awhile since my last post. I have been all over the place, ups and downs have taken me hostage. The downs have blackend both eyes, and left my face swolen. My legs as if they have been weighed down by quicksand. Every step requires much effort. I cant breathe, I cant move... My heart pounds and I grow tired. Tired of the fight...tired... to go on... the ups that come so quick, quickly drop me on my head... I screaming out Saba!!! Saba!!! Help me up, please so I can reach Hashem! And out of the darkness, in the stillness of that thick black nothingness, a faint light appears, it sounds in my ear..
"I have no connection to the world. I am simply pouring out my heart before G-d in hisbodedus."
This is the light, that illuminates the world!
Where shall I go from Your spirit, and where shall I flee from Your presence?    If I ascend to the heavens, there You are, and if I make my bed in the grave, behold, You are there.  [If] I take up the wings of dawn, [if] I dwell at the end of the west,   . There too, Your hand will lead me, and Your right hand will grasp me.

Your very good and dear friend
-Tehillim 139:7-10-


Wednesday, October 3, 2012

“Through prayer one can reach everything.."

“Through prayer one can reach everything.."
Rebbe Nachman
So ok some of you know my situation, some don't some for those of you who don't let me fill you in. In my last post I talked of be in a good place and just trying to keep extra mitzvot etc... I have been trying very hard to be balanced. Here is the thing, I don't want to just keep extra mitzvot! I want to be a Jew! A Jew! I want Hashem! The closet possible way! I want to share in the convenent! But what am I to do? I don't want to leave my family? I don't believe Hashem would want that! I want to convert and it feels as if Hashem is pulling me in that direction! But how can Hashem be telling me to opposite things? When they cannot co-exist together? I dunno... been alot going on with me latley. I feel like a roller coaster of emotions from day to day, hour to hour and even minute to minute! But I read this today in the book Saba refered to as Holy of Holies "Histapchut HaNefesh",
  •  For the main point of Judaism is total simplicity and innocence, without any sophistication, as we have explained many times.
  • “Through prayer one can reach everything, to all the good: Torah and service and all holiness and all forms of service and all the good in all the worlds.”
Also a friend responded in a email I sent him about a similuar somwhat relatated subject and he had this to say,
"maybe what is in your control is to at least try to remember that Hashem wants you to try to serve Him with happiness with who you are right now and where you are right now. This is exactly what Rabbi Nachman says! He told this to one of his followers who was all alone living among Gentiles. Hashem put you there for a reason. Therefore you can serve Him from there!" & "Hashem wants our effort. The outcome is not in our hands. The effort is the main thing."
I know this is probabaly defintly right, but I want more. Even if I can serve Hashem from here how can I serve him so far away, when all I want is to be close? Great advice from a friend. Hard to apply when I want Hashem so much more.. but one cannot be Holy over night... it takes time and patience.. Hashem give me the patience to wait!
And most of all help to learn; “Through prayer one can reach everything, to all the good: Torah and service and all holiness and all forms of service and all the good in all the worlds".
I love you all nanachs! Hashem's presence dwell upon you!
Na Nach Nachma Nachman MeUman!

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Merge ino You

The only way to return to the roots of one's being and merge in the unity of God is through nullifying the self. One has to efface the self completely until one becomes wholly merged in God's unity. The only way to achieve this state of self-transcendence is through hitbodedut. By secluding oneself and giving voice to one's inner thoughts in the form of personal prayers to God, one is able to remove all negative traits and cravings to the point that one nullifies all materialism in oneself. Then one is able to become merged in the Source.
-Rebbe Nachman-
This is all in this world I have wanted! This whole time, I have been chasing a phantom, I want to be Jewish soooo bad, I want to convert, more then words... But what is it I truly seek? This is it! This is it! Union with my Love! Unioin with that is such that I no longer even exist! Totaly merged into Hashem that there is nothing left.. Right now.. I need to accept my situation, and keep praying to Hashem for Israel... For conversion...But maybe I need to stop and evaluate what it is I am truly seeking here... Because this is it! And Rebbe Nachman tells us how to achieve it right here!
The only way to return to the roots of one's being and merge in the unity of God is through nullifying the self. One has to efface the self completely until one becomes wholly merged in God's unity. The only way to achieve this state of self-transcendence is through hitbodedut. By secluding oneself and giving voice to one's inner thoughts in the form of personal prayers to God, one is able to remove all negative traits and cravings to the point that one nullifies all materialism in oneself. Then one is able to become merged in the Source.
True hitbodedut is practiced in the depths of night, at an hour when everyone is free from their toil in the material world. During the day people are so busy chasing after the material world that it distracts the spiritual seeker from attaching himself to God. Even if he personally is quite detached from the material world, the mere fact that everyone else is then busy chasing after the vanity of the world makes it very difficult to attain self-transcendence at such a time.
Hitbodedut must also be practiced in a special place outside the city on a "solitary path" (Avot 3:5) in a place where no-one goes. For in a place where in the daytime hours people are busy chasing after the vanity of the world, even though they may not be there at this hour, it is still a distraction from hitbodedut, making it impossible for the spiritual seeker to attain the state of total communion with God.
For this reason it is necessary to go alone at night on a solitary path to a place where no one goes even by day. There one should seclude oneself and empty one's heart and mind of all worldly involvements until one attains the state of true self-transcendence and communion.
This is a step-by-step process. First the person should devote this solitary night-time hitbodedut to talking and praying to God at length until he succeeds in nullifying one negative trait or desire. Next he should devote his hitbodedut to working on nullifying a second trait or desire. He should go on like this night after night in this solitary spot until he nullifies everything.
Even then, something is still left of him, namely some residue of human pride and arrogance. He still considers himself to be something. He must persist with hitbodedut and carry on working hard until he nullifies this too, until nothing whatever is left of him and he is in a state of true self-transcendence. Then, when he attains true nothingness, his soul becomes merged in its root, namely in God.
Likutey Moharan I, 52

Friday, September 28, 2012

Hashems will...My way??

Before you can find God, you must lose yourself.
-Baal Shem Tov-
Ok, Somthing is not right here. I tried to talk to my wife today about moving to Israel and converting, I really succeeded in nothing but causing another big argument. This all happend right before I went to work and she had left her phone at her grandmothers when visiting her yesterday. So today I had no way to contact her all day. I hate arguing before I go to work, and specially when there is no way to contact her the whole day.
However this really worked out good for me, because it caused me to think more about it. You see my life feels like it is falling apart latley! Not only has everything on the planet seemed to go wrong, but the arguing with my wife has escalated, over this Israel and conversion thing. It just doesnt seem fair to be honest with you. I want to convert soooo bad. Hashem owns my heart! But here I am acting like a total jerk. I know Hashem wants me to convert! I know it! And there is really no question! I want to move to Israel very very despertaly! But here is the thing...
What is Hashem and what is me? The truth is... we lie to ourselves all the time... We or I should say I maybe, force myself to believe and act a certain way even though we know it is contrary to how we should believe or act, or to what Hashem wants! I know Hashem wants me to convert! I Know I need to move to Israel! But is this how I am suppose to act? Is this how he wants it to happen?
Maybe I am going about this all the wrong way! You see I dont have to where my tzitzit out and kippah if it bothers my wife! I can tuck them in, and put on a hat! I don't have to be so vocal about my beliefs all the time, I can try to celebrate the holidays without being so forceful on everyone around me (although my kids love it) I can be with Hashem in the presence of a crowd and not half to say a word.
I don't half to fight and argue about Israel! None of this will change her mind.
I still feel I need to go about my way to Israel, and convert... But just maybe instead of taking Hashems will and doing it my way... I should listen to His voice and try it His way..
Just a thought.
Ps. My wife is a very good person whom I love very much! I only bring this up to show my actions were wrong. And maybe someone else who is going through something similuar can learn from my mistakes..
Ps.s. Also this applies to all areas. Are we taking Hashems will and trying to do it our own way? Our we lying to ourselves and shutting out the voice of G-d... Or are we listening? I think if we listen...really listen...there we will find His peace.

P.S.S.S  Oh yeah, just want to get this straight, I am still wanting to go to Israel ASAP and convert! The goal hasn't changed, just maybe I should try to listen to Hashem and correct my methods. Being kinder and bringing more peace into the home.

The Bird in the Tree

The Baal-Shem told a parable: “Some men stood under a very high tree. And one of the men had eyes to see. He saw that in the top of the tree stood a bird, glorious with genuine beauty. But the others did not see it. And a great longing came over the man to reach the bird and take it; and he could not go from there without the bird. But because of the height of the tree this was not in his power, and a ladder was not to be had. But because his longing was so over-powering he found a way. He took the men who stood around him and placed them on top of one another, each on the shoulder of a comrade. He, however, climbed to the top so that he reached the bird and took it. And although the men had helped him, they knew nothing of the bird and did not see it. But he, who knew it and saw it, would not have been able to reach it without them. If, moreover, the lowest of them had left his place, then those above would have fallen to the earth. ‘And the Temple of the Messiah is called the bird’s nest in the book Zohar.’”
BUBER, MARTIN The Legend of the Baal-Shem-Tov

Now this story in its context, in the book I was reading I believe was talking about prayer. But how much this also speaks of conversion! Judaism representing the bird, the people whose shoulders are stood on representing the people & teachers used to get to the bird (Judaism).

Notice he says this "But because his longing was so over-powering he found a way".

May we merit to find away also, by the Grace of Hashem and the merit of the Tzaddik!

Love you all!


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Descent into Darkness


Broken....Failed.....Again, I have fallen to the evil inclination. I want to be a Jew so bad! But I continue to fall! A fast day I eat, I get up and say my prayers too late alot of times. As a matter of fact I fail all over the place. In so many area's... I am begining to wonder... if I can do it! Maybe I cant? Maybe I am not strong enough! Yom Kippur! Yom Kippur! I failed, on so many levels! Decended into the pit of the deepest darkness! I just cant seem to keep the laws, or anything! I just keep failing! And then I fall into such depression! Someone Rebbe Nachman I need a savior! Saba help me!

"Never Despair!"
"Never Give up!"
"Each day is a new day! Each moment is new!"

"NA NACH NACHMA NACHMAN MEUMAN is a segula for every problem and situation!"

"Through saying of this song NA NACH NACHMA NACHMAN MEUMAN all the judgements are sweetend and everything is transformed to good".

"This song NA NACH NACHMA NACHMAN MEUMAN fixes and heals everything!"

 "NA NACH NACHMA NACHMAN MEUMAN lifts man from absolute descent to absolute ascent!



The Land of Israel

Who ever wants to be a Jew-which means going from level to level- can only succeed through the land of Israel
-Rebbe Na Nach Nachma Nachman Meuman-
 " The lesson "Nine Tikkunim" in Liketey Moharan 1, 20 speaks at length speaks at length about the greatness of the land of Israel and how the real victory in the war comes when we succeed in reaching there. When the Rebbe actually taught this lesson he started it in speaking about the land of Israel, saying, "whoever wants to be a Jew- which means going from level to level- can only succeed through the land of Israel. When he wins the war he is called a 'man of war' but not before. "For let know one girding on his armor boast like the one who is taking it off" (1kings 20:11). Only after winning is he called a 'man of war'. "It was after this was after this that the Rebbe started talking about the soul which is the source of the Torah explanations. He raised his voice and said "There is a soul etc" as printed in the state of the lesson. However, when the Rebbe dictated the lesson he started from here, even though in teaching it originally he had started with the Land of Israel.
  After he finished the lesson, when we were talking, I asked him, "what did you mean when you said that the Land of Israel is so great that this is the main victory?" He took me to task for this, and said, " I meant Israel quite literally with its houses and apartments". In all his emphasis on the greateness of the Land of Israel, he meant quite literaly the Israel Jews go to. He wanted every Jew who wished to be a true Jew to go to Israel. Even if he encountered many obstacles he should overcome them all and go, because the main victory is getting to Israel. This is what inspired and encourged me more then anything to overcome the innmerable difficulties I myself had and break through everything to get to Israel. Thank G-d for helping me to break through th obstacles and get there and back safely".

There is a fire burning in nanach, put that fire in my heart!

Before you can find God, you must lose yourself.
-Baal Shem Tov-
With all my heart I searched for You;
Psalms 119:10
"The whole world is a very narrow bridge. And the most important thing is not to be afraid."
Rebbe Nachman of Breslov
A constant search we find ourselves on. Always seeking as in "with all my heart I searched for you", and trying to transcend this life. And somehow, some of us manage to do it. It seems The true worship of G-d, is not in finding the truth, but, rather, in an honest search for it.


Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Petek is for All!

Conversations from the Life of the Saba, pgs. 106-107:
He [Rabbi Nachman] gives me a sign – the sign is “the 17thof Tammuz” – something that not even one person knew about. So, so I saw that this was [written] to me, but from the beginning it’s not written “Yisroel Ber Odesser”, it’s not written, only “my student”, a name is not written, it’s not written who it is. And in truth this is all of the words of Rabbainu – they are generalizations. All of the teachings and all of the conversations and everything the passes over each and every one. This is the thing of Rabbainu – it is not [just for] one person [but] for each and every one of Israel, for all Israel, yes. So this, also this, it is a generalization – “It was very hard for me to descend to you” –not to me [but also] to you and to you and to you. He wrote to everyone, yes, yes. “To tell you that I greatly enjoyed your service and upon you”, the entire Petek is speaking to each and every one.
Now above we see that the petek is for everyone!  It is written to all of Israel! Who is all of Israel? Well, we see the petek says "to tell you I greatly enjoyed your service", who is speaking? Rabbi Nachman, Are you a follower of Rabbi Nachman? Then he is speaking to you! Who is Israel? There is a spot where Rabbi Nachman prays to merit to be a real Jew! Rabbi Nachman prays this? So what is a Real Jew? Also the story about the chamber of exchanges!

Rebbe Nachman says "To tell you I greatly enjoyed your service".

This is for you! For me! For us all!

Then He says," Upon you my fire will burn"! That is Upon You! Us!  This letter is for All!



Monday, September 24, 2012

Screaming for frustration, stress, confusion, letting go

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that feels a little better!!!


Sunday, September 23, 2012

"A person is led on the path he chooses to walk". -Makot 10b- 

I got desperate awhile back...You know just wanting to be a Jew soooo bad..., although I knew better, I thought maybe if I convert Conservative, I can practice the laws Orthodox, and just be Conservative in my conversion, Knowing it would not be excepted by Orthodox I thought... but maybe G-d would except it.... I know better then this..., but after years of striving and struggling, this could be a easy way out! I talked to the Conservative Rabbi on the phone... Very nice guy! Definitly NOT ORTHODOX! But he continued to invite me to his community and to bring my family... I new as I talked to him that I could never do this, that for me ONLY ORTHODOX & ONLY BRESLEV! So anyway I was polite and finished the conversation and hung up. My wife then says, she would start going to synogogue with me if I wanted to go to that one, she just didn't want to go to the Orthodox one (chabad) because she felt they made her not intentionly feel less then, and that they always wanted money. But she would go to the Conservative one!! I tried to sway her to the Orthodox, but she wasn't changing her mind, though she did let up a little.

The conservative Rabbi I talked with kept telling me it is impossible for me to be a Orthodox Jew in Redmond Oregon, it is impossible to keep all the laws! Don't worry about it! I know it sounds crazy but what kinda a Jew would say that? It must have been a test! The evil inlclination, will do what ever he can to keep me from the true faith!

The truth is who do I learn torah from? A conservative jew? He doesn't keep the torah! How can he teach it!? This was the big revelation for me here! I want to learn torah! But from one who knows Torah? Who lives Torah! The conervative Rabbi kept telling me you cant be a orthodox Jew alone! I need community and there is none here, except his. But I kept thinking about Saba, and about R. Israel Karduner, R. Israel Karduner seemed to live it alone, why cant I?

The truth here is, this relationship with G-d, me not being able to convert and living how I am, is kinda of what is bringing so close to Hashem, I feel closer to him then ever, I am kinda scared now that when I do finally fulfill all I have prayed for, this beautiful relationship of striving to be a Jew may dissolve, May G-d have mercy and that never happen.

With Love Yaakov

Comments are defintily appreciated!

pz Nanachs!